Needy, greedy and adulterous men

The 'other woman' is not the problem in your marriage; she is merely a symptom that something is wrong with it.

Of course, it's the most convenient argument to blame the 'other woman', when the affair is uncovered and believe that the 'immoral, slutty, husband snatching woman' should find her own man!!! However, if you look at the situation objectively, without personal prejudice, it's the man who broke his vows, not the 'other woman'. It was the man who succumbed to temptation, or for that matter, could have well been courting and cajoling the woman into it with sob stories and dreams of a happy life together. But the issue here is 'Why?'

When you know you are breaking your vows, when you know that it's wrong, illegal and religiously considered a 'sin', when you know you could lose your spouse and children because of it, why on earth would you cheat in your marriage? I feel adultery is an act by either the needy, or the greedy. If the adulterous husband is needy, instead of typically condemning the 'other woman', thank her for the reality check and work on what changes should be implemented to correct the faltering marriage.

However, greedy adulterous men are akin to greedy politicians who can't resist a juicy chunk of change, or demand the same with flagrant disregard to their duties, obligations, role, position and commitments. If you can justify one, you can justify the other too and should be no compassion for either.

So many wives look the other way, terrified of capsizing their marital boat as it voyages into stormy seas and justify unhappy realities with, "all men do it", or "at least he comes home to me", or simply blame the 'other woman'. Such wives are solely responsible for their sorry marital realities because if they don't believe in being given respect and loyalty, or justify the lack of it, they will never have it.

I'm an unhappily married housewife. My husband loves me and our two children a lot, he has got involved with other women in the past but not seriously. Recently, he got seriously involved with his secretary and even though I shouted at her and got her fired their affair continues. My relatives have told me she has done black magic on him. I cry myself to sleep every night. How do I get rid of her?
It seems that you are blaming everyone and everything for the mess in your marriage except for the person that caused the problems. Your husband! You have almost glorified him by portraying him as a loving man and victim of sorcery. Change your perspective immediately. Today it's his secretary, tomorrow it will be his business associate. How many women will you keep fighting with? His liaisons will keep changing but his habits will remain the same unless confronted, questioned and put a firm end to. If his waywardness is offensive to you and you are unhappy, then give him an ultimatum you would live up to! Then it'll be clear as to how much he really loves you and the kids.

I'm a 23-year-old girl and physically attracted to my boss who is in her late 30s. She is married with two children. She never appreciates my hard work and doesn't care about me at all as an employee. My problem is, I'm obsessed with her. I have mixed feelings for her. This is affecting me a lot mentally. Please help.
You are reacting on physical, emotional and professional levels. The part of you that desires her physically and emotionally, loves her, but her detachment as a boss and disregard for your professional contributions irks you. The fact is that she has a well settled personal life and is juggling work along with the responsibility of two children. It's just too unhealthy an environment for you personally and professionally so find another job and use the distance to clear your head and heart.

I'm a 31-year-old man, I met a married woman almost a year back. She is 36. We met on a train journey and she somehow managed to get my number. Later we began talking on phone for hours and decided to meet. I don't know what happened suddenly; I called her and told that I won't be able to meet her and that I don't want to have any relationship. Also, I deleted her number from my cell phone. Since then she never called me. But as days passed, I was not able to forget her and my feelings for her returned. Now since 11 months, I am trying to find her but I am not able to do so. What should I do?
Well, if she's reading this column, I'm sure she'll call you if she's still interested! Apart from that my advice would be to steer clear of married women. Adultery is messy, emotional, painful and completely unnecessary especially given that there are so many unmarried wonderful women out there. Leave her in fantasy land and find someone suitable for a loving hassle-free reality.

Two years back, I met this girl, we started going around. But I made a terrible mistake... I never gave her or our relationship importance. But yes, I wanted to marry her. I had introduced her to my parents and my entire family. She was very comfortable. Last week, I told my mother that I love her and want to marry her, my mom was very happy, but I got a shock when the girl told me that she didn't want to marry me because she doesn't feel anything for me now. I keep calling and texting her, but she is not replying. Help!
Give her time to digest your proposal and sort her feelings for you. Hopefully, she will be able to rekindle her feelings, or perhaps your love and persistence will thaw her emotions that have gone into deep freeze. If despite your best efforts the magic has dissolved, I think, it's fair for both to move on. Just because it felt right once upon a time is not reason enough to commit to and suffer a lacklustre marriage for the rest of your lives.